I’d like to say that I hacked the secret files to the Grand Lodge of Connecticut, because it sounds so dramatic, but the truth is more mundane. When I was down at the offices recently, one of the admins had left his PC on, and I noticed the passwords on a sticky note at the top of his monitor. When he stepped out for coffee, I just copied them down. Yeah, so not Kim Possible, but it worked. When I got home, I fired up my laptop and started browsing the folders. I skipped over the usual stuff on the Kennedys, the NASA/Zeta-Reticuli connection, public water flouridation, and found it hiding at the very end under Zombies.

Here is a link to a PDF file right on the Grand Lodge site that describes the ancient Masonic zombie-killing techniques.
EDIT: The higher-ups at the Grand Lodge have taken down the link, but I saved a copy which I’ve uploaded to my Google Docs. You can see or download it here: Zombie Expulsion.

For those of you who are reading this on your phones and can’t open the PDF file, I’m reprinting the text below.

THE MOST WORSHIPFUL GRAND LODGE

OF ANCIENT FREE AND ACCEPTED MASONS

Applicability and Responsibility
This document is applicable to all Constituent Lodges of the Grand Lodge A.F. & A.M. of
Connecticut, and may be of some use to coordinate and appendant bodies.

Responsibility for maintaining this document rests with the Committee on Masonic
Information, and with the approval of the Grand Master.

Synopsis
The purpose of this procedure is to discern appropriate strategies for responding to a zombie infestation that might affect the officers, members, and support staff of the Grand Lodge of Connecticut, A.F. & A.M., or its related appendant Masonic bodies. Methods for permanent expulsion are discussed.

Note
A number of resources are available on the subject of revenants, and it is not the purpose of this Grand Lodge to offer scientific explanations or theories as to the origin of what are popularly known as “zombies”, nor to speculate upon the habits of those stricken with the syndrome. Rather, our intention is to concentrate on maintaining the ancient and traditional methods of eradicating zombies, should an outbreak or infestation occur.

While the media continue to treat the possibility of a zombie infestation with humor, the fact is that most organizations and local governmental agencies are quietly developing contingency plans to deal with potential outbreaks. The Grand Lodge of Connecticut encourages other Grand Lodges to use this procedure as a guideline in developing their own emergency preparedness plans.

Discussion
Throughout history there have been reported cases of attacks by revenants; creatures that were once human, and who have for unknown reasons been reanimated. While such cases are rare, it is important for Freemasons to understand the dangers and learn how to defend themselves; living persons caught mentally and physically unaware by these are generally either killed and eaten, or will fall victim to the same syndrome.

Since the disease affects 100% of the victims, often within 24 hours, it is important for Masons to be aware of the signs of a potential zombie outbreak, or indications that an area is, or is about to become infested.

Typical indications of outbreaks or infestations in an area are generally accounted for by:

- unexplained disappearances of people with whom one had been in frequent contact.
- unexplained violent deaths.
- deaths by apparent animal mauling.
- sudden news blackouts immediately following reports of unusually violent activity in rural areas.

Note that such outbreaks are frequently accompanied by:

- repeated assurances from government and authorities that zombies do not exist, or that there is no cause for alarm.
- increasingly reported sightings of random individuals that meet the typical descriptions of those in a zombified state.

Since the days when Freemasons traveled across England and Europe to build the castles and cathedrals of the Middle Ages, they have learned much about how to deal with small, localized cases. Accordingly, it is the duty of modern Freemasons to prepare for such contingencies, and to deal with them appropriately.

Investigation
Before Masons can manage instances of zombie outbreaks, they must be able to identify them. Although folklore, current literature, and media reports are very descriptive (and often wrong), there are several common elements in identifying an actual revenant.
In general, zombies can be identified by their:

- long periods of apparent inactivity.
- seemingly random attempts at movement.
- lack of physical coordination, especially when walking.
- slow, but deliberate locomotion in the direction of food (or potential victims).
- little or no apparent reaction to new stimuli (loud music, bright lights, etc).
- frequent inarticulate moaning sounds.

With the understanding that new Masons may have difficulty discerning zombies from some of the current living members of the fraternity, and with an eye to avoid repeating some of the sad, but understandable mishaps experienced in the past, it is recommended that zombie investigation committees include at least one experienced Past Master.

Preparation
Once a revenant has been identified, it is imperative that it be terminated, or in Masonic terminology, suspended or expelled from the fraternity as soon as possible, before it has the opportunity to infect other members. Despite the various methods displayed in the popular media, most of those seen are only Hollywood special effects, and are not particularly effective in the case of actual zombie infestations. While flame throwers, chainsaws, and heavy automatic weaponry look dramatic on the big screen, their suitability is extremely limited, their fuel and ammunition requirements are high, and the possibility of mechanical components breaking down in the middle of an expulsion makes them much more risky than traditional implements.

It is not widely known that our ancient rituals contain within them a time-proven method for the expulsion of zombies; indeed, in order to avoid panic in the cities, Freemasons have worked closely but quietly with local and national governments for centuries. The industrial revolution of the early 1700s saw a fast rise in the populations of cities, and with it, the potential for more frequent zombie outbreaks. Masonic scholars will not be surprised to learn that the addition of the Hiramic drama to the third degree ceremony shows the ingenious manner in which our early speculative brothers dispatched such infestations.

Purging
Lodges in the midst of infested areas should form the Craft into teams of three men each, with each team preferably having an experienced Past Master.

Individuals that have been positively identified as zombies should be expelled according to the customary methods. As most younger Masons have probably not been educated in the old traditions, it is imperative that senior officers provide more detailed instruction. However, the basics are outlined in the next section.

Individuals that have been only potentially identified as zombies should, if possible, be isolated or tracked until the Past Master, or the most experienced Master Mason available, ascertains that the creature actually is a zombie and not, for example, a District Lecturer, a Past District Deputy, or an appointed Grand Lodge officer, as such misidentifications by inexperienced Masons have been common in the past, even in the best of circumstances.

Expulsion
Masons have always defended their lodges and other nearby buildings, such as pubs and restaurants, from zombie infestations. As the revenants appear to be oblivious to pain, the safest, and most effective methods of expulsion require a team of men. Traditionally, they divided up into parties of three, each Mason carrying one of the tools as described by custom. The easiest way for the team to expel a zombie is to have each member step in for his particular station, and then to remove himself from the situation so as to allow space and time for the next team member. By the time the third member has finished, the zombie should be completely expelled.

The time-honored methods is as follows:
The first team member utilizes a rule, or better, an edged weapon, and strikes as hard as possible across the throat of the zombie. While tradition holds that swords were used in the past, such implements are difficult to acquire, let alone to have within easy reach. However, good quality machetes are common enough, and having such in one’s home or car would give little cause for questions. The team member should try for decapitation, but realizing that cutting through sinew and bone is much more difficult in real life than in the movies, the objective should be to slice across the entire throat, in order to avoid having the machete or other instrument become lodged in the neck of the zombie.

He should then step aside and allow for the next Mason to strike the zombie as hard as possible in the chest or midsection. This creates a shock to the body and causes them to slow down. Tradition indicates that cudgels may have been used (although current research suggests that such weapons were probably too short to be effective), however baseball bats, axe handles, and crowbars are probably better substitutes. Crowbars have the advantage of the curved, hooked end which would be sharp enough to tear open the body cavity.

Finally, the third member strikes the coup d’etat — a hard blow to the head with a heavy, blunt instrument. The human cranium is surprisingly durable, but if the previous blow across the neck was cut deeply enough, the head should separate from the neck. Alternately, striking from the side would have the effect of breaking or smashing the thinner bones of the skull. Circumstances will indicate which will be the better option. Appropriate tools would be setting mauls, small sledge hammers, or brass-faced dead-blow mallets.

Reporting
After the expulsion of a revenant has been successfully performed, it is important for the team to submit a report to the secretary of the lodge, who will need to include it in the monthly records submission to the Grand Lodge.

Please note that if the subject of expulsion was a member of that particular lodge, it is important to note this in the records so that he can be stricken from the rolls, and the lodge not be charged for his annual portion of the Grand Lodge dues.

RI closer to changing state name over slavery

(from Yahoo News 6-25-09)

By RAY HENRY, Associated Press Writer Ray Henry, Associated Press Writer

– Thu Jun 25, 9:53 pm ET

PROVIDENCE, R.I. – The country’s smallest state has the longest official name: “State of Rhode Island and Providence Plantations.”

A push to drop “Providence Plantations” from that name advanced farther than ever on Thursday when House lawmakers voted 70-3 to let residents decide whether their home should simply be called the “State of Rhode Island.” It’s an encouraging sign for those who believe the formal name conjures up images of slavery, while opponents argue it’s an unnecessary rewriting of history that ignores Rhode Island’s tradition of religious liberty and tolerance.

The bill permitting a statewide referendum on the issue next year now heads to the state Senate.

“It’s high time for us to recognize that slavery happened on plantations in Rhode Island and decide that we don’t want that chapter of our history to be a proud part of our name,” said Rep. Joseph Almeida, an African-American lawmaker who sponsored the bill.

Rhode Island’s unwieldy name reflects its turbulent colonial history, a state that consisted of multiple and sometimes rival settlements populated by dissidents.

Banished from the Massachusetts Bay Colony for his unorthodox religious views, minister Roger Williams set out in 1636 and settled at the northern tip of NarragansettBay, which he called Providence Plantations. Williams founded the first Baptist church in America and became famous for embracing the separation of church and state, a legal principle enshrined in the Bill of Rights a century later.

Other settlers made their homes in modern-day Portsmouth and Newport on Aquidneck Island, then known as the Isle of Rhodes.

In 1663, English King Charles II granted a royal charter joining all the settlements into a single colony called “The Colony of Rhode Island and Providence Plantations.” The name stuck. Rhode Island used that royal charter as its governing document until 1843.

Opponents of the name charge argue that “plantations” was used at the time to describe any farming settlements, regardless of slavery.

Rhode Island merchants did, however, make their fortunes off the slave trade. Slaves helped construct Brown University in Providence, and a prominent slave trader paid half the cost of its first library.

Still, Stanley Lemons, a professor emeritus of history at Rhode Island College, said changing the state’s name ignores the accomplishments of Williams, whose government passed laws trying to prevent the permanent servitude of whites, blacks and American Indians.

“There are different meanings for this word,” Lemons said. “To try to impose their experience on everyone else wipes out Roger Williams.”

No word as yet on how this will impact the Grand Lodge of Southern New England.

Unforseen circumstances having to do with the tax and corporate status of the new organization on the federal and state levels have caused the respective lodges to review the strategy for such a merger. At the moment there is no news on how long this will take.

We appreciate the support from the members, the Freemasons of both of our great states, and will keep the Craft informed of any change in this status.

Special to The Hartford Times
Dateline: Farmington, CT.

Citing a budget shortfall due to a lack of membership and the bad economy, and the resultant inability to fund various programs, the Freemasons of the Grand Lodge of Connecticut, and those of the Grand Lodge of Rhode Island and Providence Plantations, jointly announced at the Grand Lodge of Connecticut’s Annual Communication their intention to merge into a single entity: The Grand Lodge of Southern New England, A.F. & A.M.

The news was first announced earlier this week at the March 30th Connecticut Grand Lodge Annual Communication in Farmington, and will be officially announced in Rhode Island very shortly. 

“It seemed a perfect opportunity,” said William Rogers, spokesperson for the former Grand Lodge of Rhode Island. “Attrition from old age, death, and retirement have reduced our numbers to a quarter of what they were back in the 1950s. Likewise, mergers and lodge closings have reduced our lodges to about two dozen. It’s becoming an administrative nightmare.”

“He’s not kidding,” said Thomas Ludlow, the Grand Master’s representative from Connecticut. “We have fewer lodges and fewer brothers, but we somehow have a growing number of officers and district officers. In business parlance, you might say that our workforce is shrinking, while middle management has become bloated. So, we’ve decided to merge our Grand Lodges and make some long-overdue staffing cuts.”

Ludlow went on to describe the cutbacks: “The first positions to be eliminated will be the District Grand Lecturers and Assistant Grand Lecturers,” he explained, “We’ve outsourced ritual instruction to college students who are making Youtube videos, which we will then embed on the Grand Lodge website. Anyone who wants instruction can just watch the videos.”

Rogers agreed. “You’ll be able to download those videos to an iPod or Zune, your iPhone, or a netbook,” he explained, “and then you can watch as much instruction as you can handle during your free moments. In traffic, in the bathroom, on plane trips – it’s perfect. There won’t be any excuse for people not to be more improved in their ritual workings.”

Other Grand Lodge dignitaries will also be downsized, said Rogers. “Do you know we’ve managed to acquire more District Deputies and Associate Grand Marshals than we have lodges? These guys are tripping over each other, and we can’t find anything more for them to do. It’s time to start consolidating our resources.”

“Same thing with all these Grand Line officers,” agreed Ludlow. “You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting a couple of Grands or Past Grands. There’s way too many of them nowadays, and we figure that nine or ten guys should be able to cover the two state area more than adequately.” When questioned about how well the two states could be covered by so few Grand Officers, he responded. “Hell, lodges in those big square states out west sometimes don’t see a Grand Officer for years; our lodges have gotten spoiled around here. We simply can’t afford to have District Deputies showing up at every other meeting anymore.”

Both spokespersons noted that rumors about spinning off one of the districts into New York were merely persistent, but unfounded rumors. “Those rumors pop up every few years, usually right after we raise our Grand Lodge dues,” explained Ludlow.

Noting the progressive nature of the plan, interviewers asked about whether other states would follow suit.

“Massachusetts has taken notice, and we’ve already begun talks to include them on the merger, but they’re funny up there. News in Boston doesn’t reach the Berkshires for years, if ever,” explained Ludlow. “Besides, we don’t want to wait too long on this – our two states have been ready to merge for a couple of years now. But when Massachusetts is ready to merge, we’ll already have the infrastructures in place for them. The way we see it, it’s not a question of ‘if‘, but of ‘when‘.”

Do any other states have an interest?

“New Hampshire and Vermont are going to be discussing the topic at their next Annual Meetings,” said Rogers. “We sent some snowmobile and dogsled messengers up to Maine in December, and we’re hoping to hear back from them by spring, when they get the power lines back up.”

Both Grand Lodges will close for July and August, during which time they will be packing and moving. No word yet on the location of the new Grand Lodge building, but speculation is that it will be one of the old University of Connecticut agricultural buildings. “I can’t confirm this,” said Ludlow,” but it’s definitely one of the possibilities. Obviously we’d like someplace centrally located. Since most of the people living west of the river think that UConn is in Rhode Island anyway, it seems like a good spot.”

“Yes, it’s perfect,” quipped Rogers, “it’s equally inconvenient for everybody.”

The historic building will serve as the new home of the Grand Lodge of Southern New England

The Grand Lodge of Southern New England is located on the scenic grounds of the University of Connecticut Agricultural Center, with plenty of nearby lodging for visitors during future Grand Lodge Communications.